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Suitemate's sex movese lead to war in L/L "Model U.N." suite
Elias Altman
Issue date: 12/5/06 Section: Columns
- Page 1 of 1
The sophomore co-ed suite "Model United Nations" in L/L has recently become a veritable war zone, even though all parties involved refused to call it a "civil war."
John Gladstone and Rebecca Salisbury declared war on their suitemate John Livingston, on Friday, Nov. 17. This occurred after a failed proposal for "a peaceful resolution" was made by Susan Lowry, the pot-smoking diplomat.
Gladstone and Salisbury refused her lengthy plea and announced they would "go it alone." The other two suitemates were adamant in their stance of neutrality and cited Switzerland circa World War II as their model. They added that they would, however, "store, use and sell for profit" any goods that were "liberated" by Gladstone and Salisbury during the conflict.
Early Saturday morning, The Cynic obtained a copy of the declaration of war via e-mail from one member of the Gladstone-Salisbury alliance. The sender of the document leaked it only on the condition of anonymity and will be referred to by the codename
tgladstone@uvm.edu.
The two page declaration began with a spirited defense of their right to aggressive action and included a history of the conflict as well as a list of Livingston's offenses. The document maintained that initial breaches of intersuite law had been met with "evenhandedness and calm reprimands," but concluded that "it was time to exact justice."
The list of initial offenses included "the repeated lack of capping the toothpaste tube after use (note: Livingston never buys toothpaste)," the tendency to "take extra-long showers at high-traffic times" and the playing of "loud jam band music early in the morning."
The conflict escalated when Livingston began "associating" with a known enemy of Salisbury, Christie Sanders. Sanders and Livingston began spending nights together in the suite and engaged in "lewd and loud" sexual acts.
The document then asserted that Livingston had actually brought the current crisis upon himself when he executed his "own callous act of chemical warfare." This occurred when Salisbury found a used condom floating in the toilet. "This is tantamount to nuclear detonation," the document claimed, "or at least the dissemination of smallpox infested
blankets."
Gladstone and Salisbury stated they would "withhold all laughter at Livingston's jokes even if they were funny" and announced that "accidental" toilet flushing would commence every time Livingston enters into the shower.
Other methods of attack remained unnamed, but Salisbury was recently sighted carrying a can of sardines, a mouse trap and a roll of aluminum foil.
John Gladstone and Rebecca Salisbury declared war on their suitemate John Livingston, on Friday, Nov. 17. This occurred after a failed proposal for "a peaceful resolution" was made by Susan Lowry, the pot-smoking diplomat.
Gladstone and Salisbury refused her lengthy plea and announced they would "go it alone." The other two suitemates were adamant in their stance of neutrality and cited Switzerland circa World War II as their model. They added that they would, however, "store, use and sell for profit" any goods that were "liberated" by Gladstone and Salisbury during the conflict.
Early Saturday morning, The Cynic obtained a copy of the declaration of war via e-mail from one member of the Gladstone-Salisbury alliance. The sender of the document leaked it only on the condition of anonymity and will be referred to by the codename
tgladstone@uvm.edu.
The two page declaration began with a spirited defense of their right to aggressive action and included a history of the conflict as well as a list of Livingston's offenses. The document maintained that initial breaches of intersuite law had been met with "evenhandedness and calm reprimands," but concluded that "it was time to exact justice."
The list of initial offenses included "the repeated lack of capping the toothpaste tube after use (note: Livingston never buys toothpaste)," the tendency to "take extra-long showers at high-traffic times" and the playing of "loud jam band music early in the morning."
The conflict escalated when Livingston began "associating" with a known enemy of Salisbury, Christie Sanders. Sanders and Livingston began spending nights together in the suite and engaged in "lewd and loud" sexual acts.
The document then asserted that Livingston had actually brought the current crisis upon himself when he executed his "own callous act of chemical warfare." This occurred when Salisbury found a used condom floating in the toilet. "This is tantamount to nuclear detonation," the document claimed, "or at least the dissemination of smallpox infested
blankets."
Gladstone and Salisbury stated they would "withhold all laughter at Livingston's jokes even if they were funny" and announced that "accidental" toilet flushing would commence every time Livingston enters into the shower.
Other methods of attack remained unnamed, but Salisbury was recently sighted carrying a can of sardines, a mouse trap and a roll of aluminum foil.
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