2008 Woodie Awards
Lou's News
A Not News Report: Davis Center expanding beyond human control
Louis Armistead
Issue date: 8/28/07 Section: Columns
At what was thought to be the completion of its construction, it seems that the Dudley H. Davis Center is expanding on its own ,beyond the control of any of its architects and engineers.
It is believed by experts that this is an attempt to attach itself to every standing structure in Chittenden County. It has already enveloped the neighboring Terrill Building as well as consuming Ben and Jerry's and New World Tortilla. It is said to eventually be an impenetrable dome, which will soon span the entire city of Burlington in only a matter of weeks.
"We are unsure the reasons for this unnecessary expansion," officials said Sunday morning, "there may be cause for concern." Already the Davis Center has consumed two fraternities and a Chittenden Bank. So far this has been met with little to no opposition.
Both the Bailey/Howe Library and Waterman, formerly the largest buildings on campus, are now trembling in fear that they may be next.
There is some speculation to the cause of this catastrophe. Experts have concluded that the Davis Center has now become so smug and full of itself, that the building is now taking it upon itself to blobbishly itself throughout Burlington and parts of Chittenden County and not stop until the entire UVM population is encased forever.
"We are thrilled to see the Davis Center take the initiative to expand on its own," said one member of the UVM of the board of directors. "The more it spreads and encases our community in one giant shopping mall-like structure, the better our school will look to football players and soccer moms, and that's where the real donation money is."
As the Davis Center continues to spread without any sign of stopping, it is also draining energy and resources from neighboring businesses. Its presence is so overwhelming that Brooks Pharmacy has been forced to downgrade itself to a Rite Aid, and can only sustain enough energy to be open a mere 16 hours a day, even though they have not closed once in over ten years.
The unnatural growth of this behemoth is drawing multitudes so in awe of its ungodly presence, they are unable to look away. The Davis Center then blobbishly attaches itself to them, and then they become a physical part of the structure.
"The Davis Center seems now to have developed a sort of human intelligence," stated officials in an emergency press conference. "We can also safely assume that it has the ability to communicate with the outside world. As it grows and grows without any sign of stopping, it seems to be sending out the message, 'Join me or perish'. The structure seems hell bent on destroying everything in its path, and not stopping until it has enveloped all of New England.
It is believed by experts that this is an attempt to attach itself to every standing structure in Chittenden County. It has already enveloped the neighboring Terrill Building as well as consuming Ben and Jerry's and New World Tortilla. It is said to eventually be an impenetrable dome, which will soon span the entire city of Burlington in only a matter of weeks.
"We are unsure the reasons for this unnecessary expansion," officials said Sunday morning, "there may be cause for concern." Already the Davis Center has consumed two fraternities and a Chittenden Bank. So far this has been met with little to no opposition.
Both the Bailey/Howe Library and Waterman, formerly the largest buildings on campus, are now trembling in fear that they may be next.
There is some speculation to the cause of this catastrophe. Experts have concluded that the Davis Center has now become so smug and full of itself, that the building is now taking it upon itself to blobbishly itself throughout Burlington and parts of Chittenden County and not stop until the entire UVM population is encased forever.
"We are thrilled to see the Davis Center take the initiative to expand on its own," said one member of the UVM of the board of directors. "The more it spreads and encases our community in one giant shopping mall-like structure, the better our school will look to football players and soccer moms, and that's where the real donation money is."
As the Davis Center continues to spread without any sign of stopping, it is also draining energy and resources from neighboring businesses. Its presence is so overwhelming that Brooks Pharmacy has been forced to downgrade itself to a Rite Aid, and can only sustain enough energy to be open a mere 16 hours a day, even though they have not closed once in over ten years.
The unnatural growth of this behemoth is drawing multitudes so in awe of its ungodly presence, they are unable to look away. The Davis Center then blobbishly attaches itself to them, and then they become a physical part of the structure.
"The Davis Center seems now to have developed a sort of human intelligence," stated officials in an emergency press conference. "We can also safely assume that it has the ability to communicate with the outside world. As it grows and grows without any sign of stopping, it seems to be sending out the message, 'Join me or perish'. The structure seems hell bent on destroying everything in its path, and not stopping until it has enveloped all of New England.
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