2008 Woodie Awards
April Fools: Cynical Inquirer
Louis Armistead
Issue date: 4/1/08 Section: B Side
President Fogel delivers powerful, carefully worded speech to get out of speeding ticket
In a recent confrontation with a police officer regarding driving over the speed limit, UVM President Daniel Fogel gave a passionate speech to attempt to dissuade the officer from issuing the $50 speeding ticket.
"My friend, I thank you for this tremendous opportunity to enrich my knowledge of the complexities and nuances of the legal system of this great state of Vermont that I love so dearly," President Fogel said from behind the wheel of his car.
"It is with tremendous humility that I request that you reconsider issuing this notification of required payment for what you perceive to be a violation of traffic law, for I cannot afford to add more points to my license." The police officer stood blank-faced and confused.
"I feel that your abilities as a public servant could be more efficiently utilized investigating other matters concerning our community, and focusing on actual detriments to our safety and well-being."
After listening to the president speak for nearly 20 minutes, the police officer walked back to her car and wrote out another ticket of twice the initial amount for wasting her time.
UVM drug policy expands to ban Phish posters from residence halls
In a continuing effort to expand UVM's vision as a drug-free institution of academic integrity, the administration is now banning any and all posters of the band Phish from residence halls.
"The University of Vermont is committed to maintaining an academic environment that promotes intellectual curiosity, health, safety and wellbeing," a University official said. "The wild, free-spirited antics of this 'Trey Anastasio' and company work directly against some, if not all of these things."
Any student caught with any Phish CDs or paraphernalia will face appropriate judicial action.
Things UVM won't sell anymore
The University of Vermont has changed drastically over the past few years. Campus officials have announced plans to do away with any and all remnants of the University's former free-spirited "Groovy UV" image. Here are some items that the University will discontinue selling to rid themselves of this hippie-dippie, party hard image:
In a recent confrontation with a police officer regarding driving over the speed limit, UVM President Daniel Fogel gave a passionate speech to attempt to dissuade the officer from issuing the $50 speeding ticket.
"My friend, I thank you for this tremendous opportunity to enrich my knowledge of the complexities and nuances of the legal system of this great state of Vermont that I love so dearly," President Fogel said from behind the wheel of his car.
"It is with tremendous humility that I request that you reconsider issuing this notification of required payment for what you perceive to be a violation of traffic law, for I cannot afford to add more points to my license." The police officer stood blank-faced and confused.
"I feel that your abilities as a public servant could be more efficiently utilized investigating other matters concerning our community, and focusing on actual detriments to our safety and well-being."
After listening to the president speak for nearly 20 minutes, the police officer walked back to her car and wrote out another ticket of twice the initial amount for wasting her time.
UVM drug policy expands to ban Phish posters from residence halls
In a continuing effort to expand UVM's vision as a drug-free institution of academic integrity, the administration is now banning any and all posters of the band Phish from residence halls.
"The University of Vermont is committed to maintaining an academic environment that promotes intellectual curiosity, health, safety and wellbeing," a University official said. "The wild, free-spirited antics of this 'Trey Anastasio' and company work directly against some, if not all of these things."
Any student caught with any Phish CDs or paraphernalia will face appropriate judicial action.
Things UVM won't sell anymore
The University of Vermont has changed drastically over the past few years. Campus officials have announced plans to do away with any and all remnants of the University's former free-spirited "Groovy UV" image. Here are some items that the University will discontinue selling to rid themselves of this hippie-dippie, party hard image:
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